Things Adults Should Never Do in a Bar
Adults should never act as some do in their 20's. When you're in your 20s, the bar's like a big boozy playground, a place where you can grab a few drinks, cut loose, and maybe meet some new friends. Hell, perhaps you'll find somebody willing to make sex with you. Or at least someone who will make out with you. Or, barring that, you can knock back a shot and play Erotic Photo Hunt.
Some behaviors become less acceptable with age and maturity. So, if you were alive last time, the Bears won the Super Bowl (or were conceived to the "Super Bowl Shuffle" that very night), maybe consider these Things Adults Should Never Do in a Bar.
1. Body Shots
At this point in your life, you're not pouring a shot in your navel. You're pouring half a goddamned pint in there.
2. Try to hook up with the person celebrating their 21st birthday
That means no buying them a Buttery Nipple. No talking to them about your 21st birthday celebration. And indeed no talking about how they remind you of your oldest kid.
3. Make out in a photo booth
Do you want photographic evidence of yourself slobbering on a stranger in a small box in which other people salivate and drool on strangers? Who are you even going to share that with? Please, please don't say Facebook.
4. Make out anywhere else
Unless, you know, you're in a swingers bar. Most of those people are well over 30.
5. Steal glassware
Be a goddamned adult and grab your glassware from IKEA.
6. Twerk, grind, or otherwise thrust your pelvis
Nope, not even ironically.
7. The worm
The number of severe back injuries and broken noses that result from post-30 worm attempts would shock you.
8. Preemptively buy prophylactics from a bathroom vending machine
If you're over 30 and planning a bar pickup, you might want to load your wallet with something that isn't covered in powder and studs and wrapped in a nude picture of a '70s porn star.
9. Pee on or in anything that's not a toilet
This rule includes the alleys, sinks, and your pants.
10. Complain about the music on the jukebox
Do you know what every bar has? Some dude who sits there all night and complains about anything that comes on the jukebox that was released after Third Eye Blind's self-titled debut/masterpiece. That guy's usually called "that old asshole."
11. Ask if they can change the game to Longmire
Yes, the reviews in TV Guide are great and all, but the kids these days don't get the slow-paced nuances. Wait until you're home to watch it after that helpful neighbor kid shows you how to work the TV.
12. Crop dust
Just own it. Most of the Millennials in the place don't drink Metamucil, so you can't pass your fiber farts off on them anyway. So just let 'er rip and enjoy the extra room around you.
13. Challenge strangers to a drinking contest
Unless you meet Marion Ravenwood, who clearly has a thing for older dudes and will also drink you under the table. But she'll even help you find the Ark, so . . .
14. Fall asleep
Keep your eyes open at all times, gramps, because watching you nod off at 6 pm in a booth is making everyone feel like they're drinking in a nursing home. You can fall asleep later during Longmire.
15. Eat food off somebody else's table
Because dirt-bagging a handful of cold tater tots off a stranger's table is a younger man's game. You can buy your own.
16. Be shirtless
Or pantsless. Or shoeless. Nobody wants to see that. Or smell that.
17. Forget your credit card
When you're younger, you look naive. When you're older, you start to appear like a grifter played by Mickey Rourke in some horrifying Bukowski adaptation. And not Barfly either. Like, old Mickey Rourke. The Mickey with the Chihuahua and droopy eye and no credit card.
18. Get kicked out
Again, Mickey Rourke. Post-Wrestler. Get it together, man.
19. Punch someone
Do you know what they love in the county jail? Elvis Presley music. Just kidding. It's dickheads who get arrested for punching people in bars but don't have the stamina to run away immediately afterward.
20. Wait in line to get in
See the giant dude with the clipboard at the end of the line? He's got a list of individuals to let in. You're probably not on it. And guess what? It's not worth it anyway.
When you were younger, this might have been something you could cover up with a hard swallow and a handful of mints and an utterance of "it went down the wrong pipe." Now? It's like a lawn sprinkler stuffed with bits of tater tots you took off somebody's table. If you're a puker, your drinking partner should be Longmire.
22. Cry publicly
At least go in the bathroom and weep alone in the dark like an adult.
Even though vaping is way safer than cigarettes, and "second hand" vaping is not harmful at all, you still should respect the others in the bar and refrain from vaping.
24. Take a bunch of selfies
One shot for the ol' memory bank is fine (but questionable). But nobody wants to see you duck-lipping in front of every single drink, especially when your pursed lips make your face look like a football left out in the rain.